Starting to feel uncomfortable around people I’ve known for years

Not all of them, mind you. A lot of my oldest friends are the most supportive about my transition and are great about it. But then I get messages from the few who don’t quite get it and it’s kind of…yeah. I don’t even know what to say to them half the time.

There’s one girl I still talk to, known her for four years and everything. And just out of the blue, I get a message from her asking me if I’m “completely” male yet and when did I “decide” I was a dude. 

Part of me wants to attempt to educate her but feels it to be futile(she’s a lesbian who had a hardcore crush on me for years and was uncomfortable when I came out as transsexual), and part of me wants to ignore the message. I ended up going with a middle route and tried to scoot around the question by asking her how she was, but just…no.

After she persisted, I just sort of gave her a short little lesson on it and she seemed to get it? I don’t like giving trans 101 because I don’t feel qualified to educate anyone. 

And I don’t want to educate anyone. But it’s not cool to start a conversation with “Hey did you change your genitals yet”. Nope. Nope nope nope.

Maybe one day I’ll privately speak with the few people I want to stay in my life and get their contact info all up to date and then I’ll move far away and start over for the most part. Yeah. That’d be nice.

It’s weird, but ever since my grandparents found out about my HRT progress and about me having top surgery, they’ve switched from working to use male pronouns and treating me like a normal guy back to female pronouns/treatment entirely. I’d intended to just keep it from them. We’re a small family, it was getting kind of obvious that I didn’t have a two month long cold and that my being absent for two weeks wasn’t for a fun vacation or anything like that, so my mum told them. 

My grandad was nice and brought me to the airport when I was leaving for surgery and expressed his support, and then told me “You could always change your mind!” while sounding rather hopeful. Mixed signals, I guess. 

They use the right name, though, so I’ve been really lenient with them about pronouns and things. And when I was more lenient and quiet about my transition, they became more supportive and made active attempts to use the correct pronouns. I mean, fair enough, they’ve known me as something else entirely my whole life. I don’t think it would be fair to scream at them and treat them like shit because they call me a girl. 

But it stings that they’ve started backpedaling entirely now that I’m starting to look and sound more like a normal guy. I guess it’s easier when you don’t think about it as “my grandchild is permanently altering their body” or something. I don’t even bother correcting them, I don’t want to start shit. But my mom is pissed over it. We avoided the Thanksgiving holidays with them over it, and I feel uncomfortable about the drama.

I’ve been told by people I’ve talked to about this to assert myself with them, but quite frankly, I won’t be the one to suffer for it and feel like it’s a waste of time. My mum will. They’re really nasty to her over a lot of things(her relationship with my dad, how I was raised, her career choices, etc) and I don’t want to do something that will add to her stress level. 

I try to take pride in the fact that I’m doing something to treat my condition, but this probably would have all been easier if I were a normal dude or chick, let’s be honest. :/

Someone I know confided in me that they are secretly taking androgen suppressants and estrogen. I don’t really know how to react or what to say. This person lives with a family that will likely throw them out if they find the products, among other things.

They’ve tried to talk to me about things like transition and gender issues in the past, but I’ve kind of shut them down like I do to most people I know IRL and now I feel sort of like I’ll be responsible if anything goes wrong.

And it would sort of be the pot calling the kettle black, because I’ve been desperate enough to consider and attempt to pursue self medication.

I feel frustrated with the doctor I see for T, imo. She cancels appointments on me all the time, and gets pissed with me when I can’t come in(so sorry, lady, but if I want to afford my treatment, I need to fucking WORK), and then doesn’t listen to me at all.

I’m stuck with her for the time being, though. If I want to get my hormones for a reasonable price, I have to get them through the clinic. My only days off are Sundays and Tuesdays. The other doctor doesn’t work Tuesdays. Ugh. Fuck. 

I’m not needed on Tuesdays at work, my boss has said this many times. He gets irate and only wants me in on patient care days. I just don’t even. 

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need my hormones, I need my blood work to make sure everything is okay, but I also need a doctor who will listen to me and not act like some sort of creepy psycho every time I see her. 

Welp my doctor’s appointment was a disaster.

There was no time to draw blood and she just got irrationally angry with me for having top surgery without talking to her.

Uhhh.

What.

Also lady please stop pushing pap smears when I request the blood test instead. It’s accurate enough. Please respect my wishes.

I really want to smack my younger self sometimes.

Once upon a time, I used to hide behind the genderqueer/androgyne label. Everything sounds nicer and more manageable when it looks like some fashion trend or whatever, right? 

It doesn’t seem so serious and it doesn’t chase away as many people as saying “I am a guy, I need to transition in order to treat my condition and feel more comfortable in this body” seems to do. 

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3 months on T observations

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I ordered a basic Reelmagik packer a couple weeks ago, I hope it’ll get shipped out soon.

If I like it well enough, I’ll buy the full on prosthetic because fuck yeah well-made prosthetics.

I really feel uncomfortable talking to my dad and his side of the family.

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saving for lower surgery + responsibilities

So while I’m still recovering from top surgery, I’ve started assessing how much I will need for lower surgery and other issues(putting it under a read more, just in case). 

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